Many grandparents feel pressured to babysit, leading to resentment. A grandma shares insights on how to navigate these complex family expectations.
Grandparenting has really changed over the years, but there are still some misunderstandings about what’s expected. Nowadays, many grandparents are super active, working past retirement, traveling, or just living busy lives. I totally get how it can feel personal when a grandparent doesn’t help out as much as you’d like.
When my kids were little, my mom was all in for babysitting, but my dad? Not so much. He loved his nights out and wasn’t keen on giving that up for a quiet evening at home. Plus, their house was like an art gallery, and I could just picture my kids getting into trouble with all those fancy things around.
On the flip side, my in-laws would have loved to be more involved, but they lived 1,300 miles away. It was tough not to compare the two sets of grandparents. Eventually, I realized my parents were happy to be around for family gatherings but didn’t want the full responsibility of babysitting unless I was there.
When I finally asked my dad why he didn’t want to babysit, he said he’d already done his time raising us and didn’t feel obligated to do it again. He also admitted that he wasn’t comfortable with little kids, saying they were just too loud and active for him. It was a relief to hear him be honest about it. He loved my kids but just wasn’t ready for the chaos of babysitting.
So, why do some grandparents shy away from babysitting? According to psychologist Barbara Greenberg, some feel resentful about being pushed into a childcare role when they want to enjoy their own lives. Others might find babysitting too tiring at their age.
This is especially true if the grandchild is a handful. If a kid is tough to manage, a grandparent might make excuses to avoid babysitting rather than hurt the parents’ feelings by saying they can’t handle it.
I’ll admit, I was pretty nervous about becoming a grandma. My daughter lived far away, so I didn’t have to babysit much. But when she moved back, I was scared to help out because my granddaughter was in that “terrible twos” phase and would cry whenever her mom left. I felt useless and decided not to babysit. But then, after my granddaughter turned three, I spent some time with her, and we had a blast doing crafts and watching funny videos. That day changed everything for me. I realized I could enjoy being a grandma, and I was excited to babysit after that.
There are lots of reasons why some grandparents don’t want to babysit, and it doesn’t mean they don’t love their grandkids. Many of us are used to busy lives, so it’s a bit much to expect grandparents to drop everything to babysit. Plus, if parents only reach out when they need help, it can make grandparents feel unappreciated, which doesn’t help anyone.
Some grandparents might also be too tired or dealing with health issues that make babysitting tough. If a parent feels upset about their parents not being more involved, it’s important to talk about it. Greenberg suggests having a calm, honest conversation to understand why they might not want to babysit. Avoid comparing them to other grandparents who are more hands-on, as that can lead to hurt feelings.
Ultimately, parents should be open about their feelings and give grandparents space to respond. It might also help to find new ways to involve grandparents in their grandkids’ lives, like inviting them to fun activities that interest them. Whether it’s a trip to a children’s museum, family dinners, or movie nights, bonding takes time. It all starts with that important conversation and a bit of patience.
Marcia Kester Doyle is the author of Who Stole My Spandex? Life in the Hot Flash Lane and writes a midlife blog called Menopausal Mother. She contributes to AARP The Magazine and has been featured in various publications. She lives in sunny South Florida with her husband, four adult children, four grandchildren, and two feisty pugs.
This article was originally published on Jan. 31, 2024, and has been updated.